FUNNY STUFF - HaVe a LAugh -

[SpongeBob]

CHILD CUSTODY
------------------
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[Daveyone]

Really wanted to respond to daring dads by won't let me on so will say here from my experience weigh up the odds of broadcasting 'secret stuff' and whatI have found by doing just that is that those who would prosicute you would not want the bad publisity that would come their way as it would putthem in a far worse light then your self !
Youwill however find ALL the professionals will rally round to make you look foolish and discredit you but then againa most of us have experienced that in court anyway. You can however be quite subtle and in my case I had a judge you wouldnot believed came from an oyster and looked very like Anne Robertson!! cool eh?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/newsd ... eadIndex=5 Rock on Dudes Davey!

[JohnnyBgood]

As a Justice of the Peace once told me, when getting an affidavit sworn by him, he told me "son, two areas of life to keep away from - legal and medical"

And I believe he's 120% right!!

These 2 areas are can literally consume and destroy your life, unless you're profiting from these areas mind you, gaining a handsome ransom.

Can you picture what your life would be like without solicitors, barristers, courts, judges, legal staff, psychologists, psychiatrists, medication, doctors, other health people and organisations?

Wasting your time on their associated paperwork, learning and preeching their language, just to suit them?

Everyone, who has entered this world must truly be NUTS; Stark raving bonkus MAD !!!
I was - I must have been. And Im still suffering today as a result.

SO DON'T PLAY THEIR GAME & MAKE THEIR LIVES RICH - GET RID OF IT ALL!!
Even before it starts. Become aware and smart.

Ever wonder why there are so many LEGAL, MEDICAL, POLICE shows on TV and in the MEDIA ??
Is it a co-incidence ??
Indoctrination and programming of the human mind is a beautiful thing - when you're the programmer !!

So if you want a real life do as the JP suggests - even if you have to drop everything and run.
You will be better for it.

In the meantime - Have a laugh at the following.
The extracts are supposedly real lawyers in action:

LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

--------------------

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

--------------------

LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

--------------------

LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
LAWYER: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
LAWYER: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

--------------------

LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

--------------------

LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

--------------------

LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

--------------------

LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: having sex

--------------------

LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?

--------------------

LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

--------------------

LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

--------------------

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

--------------------

LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

--------------------

LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

--------------------

LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
LAWYER: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

--------------------

LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

--------------------

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

From Nick & David Cheers

[Daveyone]

If you call this justice it would make you cry http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... -case.html so why haven't judges got the pwer to do better?

On a lighter note;


Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What's the difference between a social worker and a pitt bull terrier?
At least you can get part of your baby back from the pitt bull.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




How social workers do it...

Social workers do it for the community.
Social workers do it with a lot of paperwork.
Social workers don't do it; They just share the experience.
Social workers do it with individuals, families and groups.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
None. Social workers never change anything.
None. They empower it to change itself!
None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

And so say all of us! http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/newsd ... eadIndex=8