- Dads v stepfathers in at-risk urban families
- By Karen Brooks
- Courier Mail
- 13/08/2008 Make a Comment
- Contributed by: BeWitched ( 4 articles in 2008 )
A RECENTLY published study has found that when it comes to at-risk urban families, stepfathers make slightly better parents than biological dads.
The study in the Journal of Marriage and Family also revealed that the greatest difference between stepfathers and married biological ones wasn't in the parenting of the children per se, but the fact that, according to the 2098 women surveyed, the stepfathers were more inclined than natural fathers to share a mother's parenting views and discuss with them parental wants.
Lawrence Berger, the lead author of the study, speculated that this was because men who married women with children might have a greater interest in parenting while married biological fathers may be more inclined to adopt the role of breadwinner.
It's nice to read even a small affirmation of what has to be one of the most difficult and undervalued of familial roles: that of the step-parent. While stepmothers have had centuries of bad press, condemned by folk and fairy tales to be the jealous rival for their new husband's affections, or embittered by age and unable to cope with their new children's beauty, step-fathers have had to endure other sorts of stigmatisation.
For example, in their book, The Truth About Cinderella, Canadian researchers Martin Daly and Margo Wilson concluded children who live with non-biological fathers were at greater risk of abuse. A small number of studies also support this claim but, as critics have pointed out, they don't distinguish between stepfathers and other unrelated males such as uncles, friends or grandfathers.
Another recent study found slightly more severe abuse in stepfather households than in father households (8.2 per cent to 5.4 per cent), but also discovered there was less mild violence among stepfathers (49.6 per cent to 57.1 per cent).
Alan Kazdin, director of the Parenting Centre and Child Conduct Clinic at Yale University and president of the American Psychological Association, admits: "These (step) relationships are riddled with conflict."
So what is it about children and step-fathers? In Australia alone, the figure for blended or step families sits at around 20 per cent. Yet, as Steve Martin, from the Stepfamilies Association of Victoria acknowledges, while there's great support for biological families who separate, once the parents re-partner, the help is almost non-existent. What's often overlooked is that these "new" families are reformed amid love and happiness, yes, but also grief, loss and hope, on the part of the children, that their biological parents will reunite.
When a man marries a woman with children, it's given a positive spin and he's described as getting a "package deal". That is, he gets an instant family. The Berger study speculated that this might indicate that stepfathers are more interested in parenting. What it might also signify is a man prepared to take on a huge burden for the woman he loves because there's no doubt that the "package" comes with a great deal of additional baggage in the form of the ex and his family, never mind the children.
Unlike many stepmothers, stepfathers inherit a full-time family as their new partners often have custody of the kids. Unable to "replace" bio-dad, stepfathers (like stepmothers) tip-toe around the margins of familial life and socially sanctioned biological rights, wanting to support their new partner, function in some capacity within the family and even assert their values and morals into the fold. But the degree to which they're able to do this is contingent on the most inside of forces: the children, bio-dad and, most importantly, the mother.
Above all, it's the mother who enables or disables a stepfather as a legitimate player in her family's life. Stepfathers rely on the mother to facilitate the degree to which they can enter the family. Without the mother as a bridge between the old and new, bio-dad and stepchildren and parents, there will always be a yawning chasm into which the new family can tumble with catastrophic results.
Mind you, even good communication and acceptance may not prevent the stepdad from receiving hurtful reminders of his tenuous status within the family. The words, "you're not my real father" are an emotional guillotine hovering over his head, delivered with the intention to sever the ties that bind. These are bloodless ties that are woven voluntarily and over time but are nonetheless vulnerable to the swift and painful verbal cut.
It's what all step-parents fear to hear. Nonetheless, they shouldn't interact with their families in the expectation it will be delivered or that it's any more than the truth. For that's what it is: a truth that does not change their role or the time, energy, love and patience they've dedicated to their families.
As a child with too many stepfathers (my mother married eight times) and a lovely stepmother and a biological father, I've had my fair share. As a mother myself, I have had the pleasure of sharing the raising of "my" children with an amazing, kind, loving and communicative man: my kids' stepfather. I have lived the tale of two families: it's been the best of times and the worst of times.
Biology may rule in our world, but shared DNA is no guarantee of love or respect or protection from abuse. I've learnt over the years that, like praise, love and respect have to be earned to really mean anything or have longevity.
As Father's Day approaches, it's important to remember and celebrate, not just the wonderful fathers out there, but those who willingly step into the shoes of a beloved and/or reviled predecessor and take on what's often a thankless task full of tribulations but also, for those who last the distance, a role that has its own responsibilities and significant and special rewards.
* Dr Karen Brooks is an associate professor of media studies at Southern Cross University.
The study in the Journal of Marriage and Family also revealed that the greatest difference between stepfathers and married biological ones wasn't in the parenting of the children per se, but the fact that, according to the 2098 women surveyed, the stepfathers were more inclined than natural fathers to share a mother's parenting views and discuss with them parental wants.
Lawrence Berger, the lead author of the study, speculated that this was because men who married women with children might have a greater interest in parenting while married biological fathers may be more inclined to adopt the role of breadwinner.
It's nice to read even a small affirmation of what has to be one of the most difficult and undervalued of familial roles: that of the step-parent. While stepmothers have had centuries of bad press, condemned by folk and fairy tales to be the jealous rival for their new husband's affections, or embittered by age and unable to cope with their new children's beauty, step-fathers have had to endure other sorts of stigmatisation.
For example, in their book, The Truth About Cinderella, Canadian researchers Martin Daly and Margo Wilson concluded children who live with non-biological fathers were at greater risk of abuse. A small number of studies also support this claim but, as critics have pointed out, they don't distinguish between stepfathers and other unrelated males such as uncles, friends or grandfathers.
Another recent study found slightly more severe abuse in stepfather households than in father households (8.2 per cent to 5.4 per cent), but also discovered there was less mild violence among stepfathers (49.6 per cent to 57.1 per cent).
Alan Kazdin, director of the Parenting Centre and Child Conduct Clinic at Yale University and president of the American Psychological Association, admits: "These (step) relationships are riddled with conflict."
So what is it about children and step-fathers? In Australia alone, the figure for blended or step families sits at around 20 per cent. Yet, as Steve Martin, from the Stepfamilies Association of Victoria acknowledges, while there's great support for biological families who separate, once the parents re-partner, the help is almost non-existent. What's often overlooked is that these "new" families are reformed amid love and happiness, yes, but also grief, loss and hope, on the part of the children, that their biological parents will reunite.
When a man marries a woman with children, it's given a positive spin and he's described as getting a "package deal". That is, he gets an instant family. The Berger study speculated that this might indicate that stepfathers are more interested in parenting. What it might also signify is a man prepared to take on a huge burden for the woman he loves because there's no doubt that the "package" comes with a great deal of additional baggage in the form of the ex and his family, never mind the children.
Unlike many stepmothers, stepfathers inherit a full-time family as their new partners often have custody of the kids. Unable to "replace" bio-dad, stepfathers (like stepmothers) tip-toe around the margins of familial life and socially sanctioned biological rights, wanting to support their new partner, function in some capacity within the family and even assert their values and morals into the fold. But the degree to which they're able to do this is contingent on the most inside of forces: the children, bio-dad and, most importantly, the mother.
Above all, it's the mother who enables or disables a stepfather as a legitimate player in her family's life. Stepfathers rely on the mother to facilitate the degree to which they can enter the family. Without the mother as a bridge between the old and new, bio-dad and stepchildren and parents, there will always be a yawning chasm into which the new family can tumble with catastrophic results.
Mind you, even good communication and acceptance may not prevent the stepdad from receiving hurtful reminders of his tenuous status within the family. The words, "you're not my real father" are an emotional guillotine hovering over his head, delivered with the intention to sever the ties that bind. These are bloodless ties that are woven voluntarily and over time but are nonetheless vulnerable to the swift and painful verbal cut.
It's what all step-parents fear to hear. Nonetheless, they shouldn't interact with their families in the expectation it will be delivered or that it's any more than the truth. For that's what it is: a truth that does not change their role or the time, energy, love and patience they've dedicated to their families.
As a child with too many stepfathers (my mother married eight times) and a lovely stepmother and a biological father, I've had my fair share. As a mother myself, I have had the pleasure of sharing the raising of "my" children with an amazing, kind, loving and communicative man: my kids' stepfather. I have lived the tale of two families: it's been the best of times and the worst of times.
Biology may rule in our world, but shared DNA is no guarantee of love or respect or protection from abuse. I've learnt over the years that, like praise, love and respect have to be earned to really mean anything or have longevity.
As Father's Day approaches, it's important to remember and celebrate, not just the wonderful fathers out there, but those who willingly step into the shoes of a beloved and/or reviled predecessor and take on what's often a thankless task full of tribulations but also, for those who last the distance, a role that has its own responsibilities and significant and special rewards.
* Dr Karen Brooks is an associate professor of media studies at Southern Cross University.
Source: https://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,24168202-27197,00.html
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