- Man to man
- By Katherine Kizilos
- The Age
- 22/03/2007 Make a Comment
- Contributed by: admin ( 59 articles in 2007 )
Nick Theophilou says that his experience of a men's group made it possible for him to establish a new relationship.
You can talk to your mates, but do they listen? Katherine Kizilos meets a campaigner for the benefits of blokes being heard.
A group of men sit together in a circle. They do not seem to be doing anything special - just talking and listening - but in the words of Nick Theophilou, the man leading the group, speaking out and being heard can be enough to change your life.
During the meetings the men will be filmed, a source of anxiety for some, but as Andrew, one of the nine says, they decide to "feel the fear and do it anyway".
The film is Theophilou's idea. He is a veteran of men's groups and a strong believer in the good they can do. The dynamic of the groups, and the powerful benefits they can bestow are hard to put into words, he says, which is why he decided to make the film. The documentary is an attempt to demystify what goes on in a men's group. Theophilou hopes it will also be used as a tool for men who want to start their own group.
While he was planning the project, people told him it would be impossible to find men who would be prepared to talk openly on camera. But when he placed an ad in a suburban newspaper asking for men to participate in the project, 23 turned up. Of these, nine were chosen.
Theophilou, and the men who appear in Sons of the Fathers - Inside a Men's Group are well aware of the cliches that surround the men's movement. Hailed initially in the early '90s as a tool for freeing men from the constriction of the macho stereotype - in the same way that consciousness- raising feminist groups contributed to the emancipation of women - the groups soon became objects of ridicule. Feminists have complained of the caricatures that worked to alienate women from the women's movement. In the same way, men's groups were also undermined by the sneers of sceptics and nay sayers; men turned away from a movement designed to liberate them when it became associated with tree huggers and naked warriors dancing in the forest.
The cartoon images are misleading, and what is more they "shame men" says Theophilou. And they have held back a movement that he believes has great potential to help men. "In the '90s an opportunity was lost through negative stereotyping for people to learn about themselves in one another's company," he says.
His film is an attempt to bring men back to men's groups. One of his aims was to show that the men who participate in a group "are ordinary blokes, not domestic victims or a bunch of wimps". After participating in the groups it is not unusual for men to become more self accepting and also to accept others more, he says.
Theophilou joined a men's group in 1992. He believes his own experience with the Mentor men's group renewed him, helped him break out from a holding pattern of emotional isolation. If it wasn't for the group, he says, the relationship he is now in would not have been possible. And he says the groups have helped him become a much better father, too. "I am more open to how I am feeling, (although) I go in and out of it, very much so," he says.
In the film he has made, the men begin simply by describing an important experience that occurred in the previous week. Drew describes how he spent a day looking after his children on the beach so his wife could go surfing. At the end of the day he believes he had the better end of the bargain; it was wonderful to have time with his children. Steve describes two encounters with his ex-wife. One morning she calls him at 7am, angry because he has given bubble gum to their children - later in the week she calls again, in the evening this time, wondering if he could help her sort out some problems she is having with her computer.
Each man is listened to without interruption and when the circle has finished the men are asked if they have any comments on the stories the other men have told. Steve receives a constructive suggestion about how to respond to his ex-wife. Theophilou says later that it is important the groups do not become occasions in which other people - particularly women - are denigrated or blamed.
What a men's group can offer, he says, is quite straightforward: the attention of other men. "Being listened to and listening is very unusual," says Theophilou. "To be doing this in the company of other people is a very unusual experience. How many people seriously live without some sort of noise in their life? It's not many. There's always the radio, the TV, the phone...
"One fellow said he did not have a drink for six weeks after being in the group, because while he was in the group he felt affirmed as a human being."
Theophilou agrees that friendships can offer a similar experience, but says the dynamic of a group "is different to having a one-on-one conversation".
"I question the quality of the conversation and the quality of the listening that men have with each other," he says. "The world is a very competitive place, and there's a lot you can't say, especially in the work world. A men's group is good because it gives men permission to talk about their own lives and to reflect on their own lives and to hear about other people's lives." Isolated people often believe that their own experiences are unique to them - speaking to others in a group can relieve men of that particular burden, says Theophilou.
And it also does men good to talk to other men, he believes. It is not healthy for men or women if a man's female partner is the only one he can open up to. Theophilou believes access to men's groups would lessen the rate of male suicide and that men would be less violent, too, if they dropped their masks and learned to communicate.
A particular focus of the discussion in Theophilou's film is the men's relationships with their father and their own experiences as fathers and sons. Some of the most moving sequences in Theophilou's film involve men talking about how much they miss their father and how they much they regret not knowing their father better.
Theophilou recalls his first experience with the men's group Mentor. "I turned up on Saturday morning. Twenty men sitting in this circle. They asked me to do a role-playing exercise with my Dad, to tell him things you have not told him.
"I thought 'this is easy', then I started crying. I had not cried for years. My Dad had been dead for 11, 12 years...
"It was really sweet, actually. When I think back, crying was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but I really couldn't do it. I had this real sense of this load or something being lifted off me.
"I felt calmer. In situations where I would normally be quite irritated, I was able to keep calm. I thought 'something really significant has happened to me'. It was like a congealed wall of grief just melted away."
Since then Theophilou has formed more than 40 men's groups and has written a nine-week program for people wanting to start a group of their own. An accountant who was working as a teacher when he joined Mentor, he has since received a graduate diploma in counselling and a certificate in men's health. Theophilou says he does not form men's groups now but helps those who want to do so. He also gives presentations about men's issues. His film on men's groups was completed in March last year and has been sold around the world as a DVD.
"I don't know why I keep pushing this thing but you have to do something with your life that you think is worthwhile," he says. "And this is a good thing to do."
A group of men sit together in a circle. They do not seem to be doing anything special - just talking and listening - but in the words of Nick Theophilou, the man leading the group, speaking out and being heard can be enough to change your life.
During the meetings the men will be filmed, a source of anxiety for some, but as Andrew, one of the nine says, they decide to "feel the fear and do it anyway".
The film is Theophilou's idea. He is a veteran of men's groups and a strong believer in the good they can do. The dynamic of the groups, and the powerful benefits they can bestow are hard to put into words, he says, which is why he decided to make the film. The documentary is an attempt to demystify what goes on in a men's group. Theophilou hopes it will also be used as a tool for men who want to start their own group.
While he was planning the project, people told him it would be impossible to find men who would be prepared to talk openly on camera. But when he placed an ad in a suburban newspaper asking for men to participate in the project, 23 turned up. Of these, nine were chosen.
Theophilou, and the men who appear in Sons of the Fathers - Inside a Men's Group are well aware of the cliches that surround the men's movement. Hailed initially in the early '90s as a tool for freeing men from the constriction of the macho stereotype - in the same way that consciousness- raising feminist groups contributed to the emancipation of women - the groups soon became objects of ridicule. Feminists have complained of the caricatures that worked to alienate women from the women's movement. In the same way, men's groups were also undermined by the sneers of sceptics and nay sayers; men turned away from a movement designed to liberate them when it became associated with tree huggers and naked warriors dancing in the forest.
The cartoon images are misleading, and what is more they "shame men" says Theophilou. And they have held back a movement that he believes has great potential to help men. "In the '90s an opportunity was lost through negative stereotyping for people to learn about themselves in one another's company," he says.
His film is an attempt to bring men back to men's groups. One of his aims was to show that the men who participate in a group "are ordinary blokes, not domestic victims or a bunch of wimps". After participating in the groups it is not unusual for men to become more self accepting and also to accept others more, he says.
Theophilou joined a men's group in 1992. He believes his own experience with the Mentor men's group renewed him, helped him break out from a holding pattern of emotional isolation. If it wasn't for the group, he says, the relationship he is now in would not have been possible. And he says the groups have helped him become a much better father, too. "I am more open to how I am feeling, (although) I go in and out of it, very much so," he says.
In the film he has made, the men begin simply by describing an important experience that occurred in the previous week. Drew describes how he spent a day looking after his children on the beach so his wife could go surfing. At the end of the day he believes he had the better end of the bargain; it was wonderful to have time with his children. Steve describes two encounters with his ex-wife. One morning she calls him at 7am, angry because he has given bubble gum to their children - later in the week she calls again, in the evening this time, wondering if he could help her sort out some problems she is having with her computer.
Each man is listened to without interruption and when the circle has finished the men are asked if they have any comments on the stories the other men have told. Steve receives a constructive suggestion about how to respond to his ex-wife. Theophilou says later that it is important the groups do not become occasions in which other people - particularly women - are denigrated or blamed.
What a men's group can offer, he says, is quite straightforward: the attention of other men. "Being listened to and listening is very unusual," says Theophilou. "To be doing this in the company of other people is a very unusual experience. How many people seriously live without some sort of noise in their life? It's not many. There's always the radio, the TV, the phone...
"One fellow said he did not have a drink for six weeks after being in the group, because while he was in the group he felt affirmed as a human being."
Theophilou agrees that friendships can offer a similar experience, but says the dynamic of a group "is different to having a one-on-one conversation".
"I question the quality of the conversation and the quality of the listening that men have with each other," he says. "The world is a very competitive place, and there's a lot you can't say, especially in the work world. A men's group is good because it gives men permission to talk about their own lives and to reflect on their own lives and to hear about other people's lives." Isolated people often believe that their own experiences are unique to them - speaking to others in a group can relieve men of that particular burden, says Theophilou.
And it also does men good to talk to other men, he believes. It is not healthy for men or women if a man's female partner is the only one he can open up to. Theophilou believes access to men's groups would lessen the rate of male suicide and that men would be less violent, too, if they dropped their masks and learned to communicate.
A particular focus of the discussion in Theophilou's film is the men's relationships with their father and their own experiences as fathers and sons. Some of the most moving sequences in Theophilou's film involve men talking about how much they miss their father and how they much they regret not knowing their father better.
Theophilou recalls his first experience with the men's group Mentor. "I turned up on Saturday morning. Twenty men sitting in this circle. They asked me to do a role-playing exercise with my Dad, to tell him things you have not told him.
"I thought 'this is easy', then I started crying. I had not cried for years. My Dad had been dead for 11, 12 years...
"It was really sweet, actually. When I think back, crying was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but I really couldn't do it. I had this real sense of this load or something being lifted off me.
"I felt calmer. In situations where I would normally be quite irritated, I was able to keep calm. I thought 'something really significant has happened to me'. It was like a congealed wall of grief just melted away."
Since then Theophilou has formed more than 40 men's groups and has written a nine-week program for people wanting to start a group of their own. An accountant who was working as a teacher when he joined Mentor, he has since received a graduate diploma in counselling and a certificate in men's health. Theophilou says he does not form men's groups now but helps those who want to do so. He also gives presentations about men's issues. His film on men's groups was completed in March last year and has been sold around the world as a DVD.
"I don't know why I keep pushing this thing but you have to do something with your life that you think is worthwhile," he says. "And this is a good thing to do."
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